Do Over Moment...

Anyone wished for a rewind button on certain times in their lives? I often, maybe too often, say, "oh I should of..., or I wish I..." and I just wish I could have a rewind button. For those who know me personally know I OFTEN speak before thinking so there are things daily I wish I could press the rewind button. Today I have been asked to talk about "do-overs" by Frigidaire.


A Few words from Frigidaire:
 The Frigidaire Gallery™Dishwasher gets dishes fully cleaned the first time, so there are no dish do-overs. Nearly half of adults admit to re-washing and/or re-drying dishes after the dishwasher cycle has been completed. To prevent dishwasher do-overs, Frigidaire® is stepping in with its new Gallery® Dishwasher featuring the OrbitCleanTM Wash Arm, ensuring dishes are cleaned right the first time.


I am going to get a little personal on my blog today as I talk about what I would like to do over in my life. Part of me wants to say there is nothing I would redo because I have only grown from these experiences, but I can't. 


I went through a couple years in my life where my main focus was my weight and I was VERY self-centered.  I know this is typical for a lot of teenage girls, but I seemed to be obsessed with it. It started in high school and continued throughout college and got better once I got married but didn't completely change for me until I had my son. It would be all I thought and talked about. It even got worse as I became an NBA dancer. The organization I danced for was amazing. It was nothing they said or did. It was my insecurity and jealousy to be the best, skinniest, prettiest etc, that made the atmosphere toxic for me. It was a job based not just on your dance abilities, but also your looks, and I knew that signing up.  Dance was always a passion of mine, but the dancing was over shadowed by my insecurities and it wasn't fun anymore. It is safe to say I was depressed, I just wasn't myself, and I started hating the person I was becoming. I remember feeling very guilty thinking of my weight so much because I had a handicap brother who would of killed to be any shape or size and have the ability to walk, yet here I was crying over my thighs; however, I couldn't stop. I really had a problem. I dabbled in eating disorders and unhealthy ways to lose weight and I still wasn't losing weight. Turns out I was allergic to a lot of certain foods I was eating every day, like Gluten. Now, don't get me wrong I never was over weight, but as a dancer I was the biggest one. In my mind I could of been a size zero and I still wouldn't of be happy. I really believe I had a major body complex issue because there was nothing about my physical appearance I liked. I don't know why I was so insecure, but It was something I couldn't control, and I simply needed help.

For years, I had GREAT friends, but I wasn't a great friend back. If you asked me if I thought I was self-centered, I would of quickly responded, "no." It wasn't until I got out of that atmosphere and had my son that I looked back and wished I could of changed the way I was. I wish I enjoyed college and dancing more and not been so focused on myself.


I was actually just talking to my friend about what changed it all for me. What made me go from counting every calorie I took in, working out like crazy, talking about it constantly, and thinking about it, to just not really caring. I wish I knew exactly, but the only thing I can think of is having my son. When I became a mom EVERYTHING changed for the better. I used to be allergic to gluten, lactose and tolerant, and many more health problems that contributed to my weight gain, which in turn continued my obsession.  After having my son, all those things went away. 


Can I get a Hallefreakinlujah?

Now even though this is all great, the best part of having a kid is you are forced to put someone's needs before yours.  When you are in the service of other people you are simply happier. I have learned this first hand.  I was looking for happiness in all the worldly things. I was OF the world, not just IN the world. When I had my son I just wanted to be the best mom. When I think of why my mom is the best mom out there, her weight was never a reason for being a good or bad mom. Your children don't care if you are tall, short, fat, or skinny. What is going to make me a good mom is teaching him about service, love, God, and just loving him unconditionally. 

I can honestly say that now it is just a struggle to get my lazy butt to the gym. I am the polar opposite. I wish maybe I cared a little more now, Ha! I don't think twice about what I eat and I never thought that day would come.  I don't know if I just have tried to block that all out, but I don't even remember those days that I would go with my friends to Wendy's and order just a slice of tomato wrapped in lettuce. Ironically, I am smaller now than I ever was obsessing over it. Now there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, being into fitness, and eating healthy, but when it gets to the point where I was in my life, it just isn't healthy.


 My mom was always the voice of reason in my life during those years and she would always say I need to get real problems in my life if that is all I thought about, and was SO RIGHT!




WOW...


Now some of you know me way more than you would ever want to :)  


So, If I had a redo in life that is one of the things I would change. I spent so much time wasted and friendships missed. However, because of these issues I know I am a better person and everyone has their struggles. Through our trials we grow. I am grateful for the two boys in my life who have helped me overcome this challenge and who look at me as if I could do no wrong. These boys are my life!

I was compensated for this post as a member of Clever Girls Collective. All the opinions expressed here are my own.